Trust…

This isn’t an easy post to write. In fact, I have already started and deleted 2 other posts on this subject. Maybe third time is the charm for real? who knows… but the thing is, I have a therapist that I think has really helped me uncover things about myself and my life that I had not previously seen.  Because of her, I believe I have been able to move through this phase of my recovery from my childhood.  I opened myself up, I bared my soul, I did the deep introspection even when I didn’t want to.  For over a year, I have dug and dived, soul searched and introspected, because I have a goal of becoming who I truly am, and I know that to really find myself, I have to be 100% honest.

And I have been.

So something came up recently, something I had done, and my therapist received a phone call about it from somebody that wasn’t me. We had spent the better part of a year discussing this persons manipulation, and I don’t know what the contents of the voice mail was, but suddenly there are two issues that she doesn’t believe me about.

One of these was something we hadn’t spoken about, because it wasn’t really an issue. But oddly, when she asked me about it, she didn’t seem to believe my answer. Then we discussed the other issue that was brought up in that phone call, and I told her the same thing I had been saying all along, which is the truth, and she said she thought I was “under reporting”.

For almost a year and a half, I have bared my soul to this person. But more than that, I trusted her with my most personal feelings and trusted her to take the raw me and help free the real me. I trusted her guidance had my best interests at heart.  I opened up to her like nobody before.

And she suddenly doesn’t believe me? Because of a phone call made by somebody who she repeatedly told me was toxic to me, because of her manipulative behavior.. ;you know, like make phone calls and trump up the truth?

Maybe the two are unrelated. That is possible. Stranger things have happened for sure. But the timing is pretty suspect, especially given the manipulative skills of the caller and the topics in question.

I think the worst part is, I’ve been nothing but honest with her, knowing that is the only way to continue healing, and trusted that she would take that information and shape the path that would lead me where I need to be. Yes, I have lied and manipulated my way through life. I won’t deny that. But I know that in order for me to get better, I need to do the hard work. And I know that means being honest, no matter how painful.

And now, the process has been compromised. How can I trust I’m getting the right direction when the guide is making their own judgement about what I may really mean rather than what I’m saying? How can I continue down my path when I can no longer trust my guide is helping the real me rather than the me they think I am?

There has been an extremely small number of people I have ever felt comfortable enough with to be 100% honest.. As a child I developed a really good wall, as well as the skills to protect it. I didn’t let anybody through – how could I trust them to not hurt me after the very people I trusted to protect me, didn’t? Instead, I lived a lie. Being untruthful was the norm, and I was used to being called a liar. It was insulting, but since I knew it was ultimately true, I didn’t trip on it much.

Lying was a way of life. A way of a life I was trying to escape, and I knew the only way to escape it was to be 100% honest with someone who knew how to illuminate the path out.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I think I can’t continue to see her. Not only can I no longer fully open myself up knowing she may or may not believe it, but I can’t trust her guidance is best for me as opposed as the me she thinks I am.

Sad really, because despite my best efforts, this really affects my ability to trust in general. You don’t believe me? Then why should I be honest? Maybe it’s petty, it’s certainly counter-productive, but ultimately it makes me feel like I’m all alone, that nobody really understands me. It’s sad really.

On a positive note, I think the work I’ve done over the past year and a half hasn’t gone to waste. I feel comfortable confronting her about all this at our next appointment.  I think it’s time to take a break anyway. Perhaps this phase of my healing is over and it’s time to take what I’ve learned and put it to use for a bit before moving on..

 

 

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