Meds.. Depression.. Relationships.. whatever..

So I’ve been seeing this really great therapist that is one of those no nonsense, cut to the chase kind of people.  Sometimes I think her favorite phrase is “that’s not it, dig deeper”. Over the past year we have really been working on setting boundaries and peeling apart the layers of my life that aren’t all that healthy.

A few months ago she said she wanted me to see a psychiatrist about my meds. I don’t recall why, but she also mentioned something about ADHD.. she was the second person to bring it up.  I had been tested for it a few years ago by some psychiatrist and found to have it, for which she prescribed some meds for.  I don’t remember what they were, but they slowed my brain down so much it was like mud. I hated them and stopped taking them after a week or so. After all, if that’s how “normal” brains work, I’d rather stick with my familiar million-miles-a-minute thought processes thankyouverymuch.

Fast forward to my psychiatrist visit. This guy is kind of far away – it’s an hour there and an hour back. I live in the Seattle area where there are plenty of psychiatrists, so why this guy? Just go see him my therapist said. 9 times out of 10, she has called out something about me MONTHS before I could see it, and she hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I said sure..

Met with the guy, had a great (and relaxed) initial consultation. We discussed my depression, the meds I was on, my abuse history, my relationships, the fact that I was always tired.. pretty much touched on everything. His instructions at the end were “go get a sleep study done. If they don’t find anything, then come back and we can discuss your ADHD”.  wtf.. a third doctor?

So I got the sleep study.. I did a three night at-home deal which showed some interesting results, but nothing conclusive so I did an overnight at their clinic. His conclusion? Mild sleep apnea, but not enough to explain why I was always tired.. his prescription? Here.. have some adderall.

Ummm. I’m a former meth addict – the last thing I need is a prescription for amphetamines.  But I took it.. because.. addict.

Anyway, made a follow up appointment with the other psychiatrist.. took the adderall for a week before meeting with him (“just so I can tell him about it” was my excuse.. but.. addict) and to be honest, I totally hated it.  Maybe not totally, but it was nothing like the old meth high I used to know and love. It was more like the “been up for 24 hours and now you feel like crap” high. So totally not my thing. so I told the psych about it and he agreed that with my history, adderall was not the ideal option.

So he gave me 10 modafinil and 10 armodafinil.. and 60 ritalin .. and told me to play with them and see what I liked.

Turns out, Ritalin was that stupid mind-slowing drug that I had hated in the first place.  But, it was offset by the Modafinil and Armodafinil so there was this weird alertness to balance the brain mud.  I *think* I like the armodafinil better, but changing drugs/doses 4 times in 20 days makes it difficult to really tell what’s what.

For me, the Modafinil sits in between the Adderall and the Armodafinil. Kind of tweaky, but at least it doesn’t have the jaw clenching, back tightening effect that the Adderall does.

So I called the doc and said I want the Armodafinil.. and he asked if I was taking 1 or 2 of the Ritalin.  I had been taking 1 I said, but after the phone call I ran back to the bathroom and saw he had given me 60 pills for the month. So I’m guessing he wanted me to take two. So today I took two, along with the Modafinil (I’m out of the Armodafinil until the pharmacy fills it) and OMG it was like night and day. I was alert and sharp. I could actually focus without being annoyed with everything and everybody that I came into contact with. It’s like a new world has opened up and I can be productive and have the energy I think I should have (I tried testosterone supplements – all they did was make me super horny lol), while at the same time I’m not totally spaced out and tweaky.  Time will tell of course, but for today I’m good.

Also, the Adderall really worsened my depression.. I don’t know if that was the drug itself, or the fact I knew that as a former meth addict, I really should know better than to take amphetamines and yet I was taking them anyway.  The Modafinil seems to also heighten my depression, although not as much.  I don’t remember the Armodafinil doing such, but I guess I’ll find out when I pick up my prescription tomorrow.

I was also going to write about how my marriage is falling apart, but this entry is long enough..